What’s wrong with this picture?

I’m sorry if it seems like this blog has taken a turn for the dismal.  I promise, there’ll be more cheery posts and pictures of Sadie in the near future.  It’s just that I’m in a bit of a funk lately.  Sadie’s sleep had gotten pretty nice–she was giving us a solid 4 (sometimes 5 or even 6) hour stretch and only waking up to nurse twice before morning (usually waking up a third time in between those two, but being easily settled without nursing).  Then, we had a couple of really rough nights.  I think it’s a gas issue, but I don’t really know how to tell for sure.  The past few nights we’ve given her gripe water at her “bedtime” nursing, and it’s helped some.  But she’s back to waking up three times a night–effectively every two hours–wanting to nurse.  Part of me wonders if she’s waking up more because she’s in the bassinet, but it actually seems like she falls back to sleep more easily in the bassinet than she does in our bed, which is why I’ve been putting her in there after nursing her.  Well, that, and I also sleep a bit better without her in bed (there, I said it).

Her naps during the day are getting out of whack, too.  It seems like she has a hard time sleeping longer than 45 minutes at a time (we’re going on 58 minutes now, and I’m probably pushing my luck).  Just last week, though, she could almost always be counted on to go down for two two-hour naps a day.  I think this might have to do with change, too.  She’s getting close to being too big for the bassinet, so I’ve been putting her down for naps in the crib during the day.  That way, when she really can’t sleep in the bassinet at night, it won’t freak her out to be put down in the crib at night.  Not sure if it’ll work, but it makes sense to me.

I really wanted co-sleeping to work out for us.  I never would have thought that I’d be the problem.  I figured it would be Trevor, because of being nervous with her there or something.  I’m a much pickier sleeper than I knew, and I can’t seem to find a comfortable position to sleep in with Sadie in the bed.  I think it might be different if we had a bigger bed, but our bedroom simply isn’t big enough for a bigger bed.  When we do co-sleep, I seem to get such poor sleep that I get absurdly frustrated when she wakes up to nurse.

The other thing I’m struggling with is the nursing itself.  I sooo wanted to looove breastfeeding.  It’s not that I hate it, and I’m DEFINITELY sticking with it, it’s just that it’s STILL not the blissfully pleasant experience I expected it to be.  Of course, I was mentally prepared for their to be rough times, but I figured things would get nicer as we got better at it.  Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be the case.  Maybe we don’t have the latching thing down as well as I think we do.  Maybe it’s because of her tongue-tie (though I took her to a doctor about it yesterday and was told it’s not bad enough to clip it presently).  Maybe it’s the forceful let-down.  All I know is that there is generally frustration on both ends of the deal, and that makes me so sad.  As in lump in throat, tearing up right now.  And it doesn’t help that she’s lately been nursing what seems like all the freaking time.  Maybe my supply is decreasing (though I can’t imagine why it would), so she’s not getting enough at each feeding, so she has to feed more frequently.  I don’t really know how to tell…

These are just the two things I’d really counted on being some of my favorite parts of mothering her.  It’s so disappointing to have it be otherwise.  To keep this post from being utterly dismal, some of my favorite parts are: how alert Sadie is, how engaged she is, how much she’s “talking” to us, how delighted she is at things, bath time, and carrying her in the sling.

In other news, I received my official letter stating that I am now a Licensed Master Social Worker.  Pretty exciting stuff.  And I’m doing my best to find a job.  Do you know of any?  In case I haven’t already told you this, I’m looking for a part-time job that will pay enough for me to stay home some with Sadie.  I’d take a social work job, I’d take a writing gig, I’d really do just about anything.  There are some jobs I’m applying for, but I’ve never ever gotten a job without having some sort of inside connection (even a summer job at American Eagle).

And here are some random pictures of our furry companions, to brighten my mood:

It actually looked like a kitty crime scene when I walked into Sadie's room.

It actually looked like a kitty crime scene when I walked into Sadie's room.

Willow with her hilarious summer cut.  She looks like a bat-lamb.

Willow with her hilarious summer cut. She looks like a bat-lamb.

Nari after being Furminated.  And she's STILL shedding a ton!

Nari after being Furminated. And she's STILL shedding a ton!

7 thoughts on “What’s wrong with this picture?

  1. Shannon

    I didn’t like Nash sleeping in the bed with me either. I could not sleep good. I would usually only do it at naps when we had the whole bed to ourselves. The sleeping thing changes all the time. As soon as you think you got a pattern down it changes. At leaset that has been my experience. Also, it took me a while to really enjoy breastfeeding. Everyone’s experience is different though. So glad you and Sadie are coming to the party. We will see you then.

    Reply
  2. Stephanie

    The thing about maybe your supply is decreasing–she could be going through a growth spurt. Whenever Jasper has them, he eats CONSTANTLY. I thought that too, but they told me that he’s eating so much so my body learns to make even more milk, since he’s getting bigger and will need it. People say there are set times for growth spurts, (2 weeks, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, etc), but Jasper hasn’t followed anyone’s schedule for his.

    Breastfeeding is totally hard sometimes. It’s natural for it to be–a few weeks ago, I was nearly crying every time at night because I was so tired, and Jasper would cry because I was crying, or he’d be frustrated, so I’d get frustrated, or whatever. I think it, like anything else, has moments that are easy, and times that are hard.

    Don’t feel bad about the co-sleeping! You need to do what you are comfortable with. Sadie will be happier with a mother who is rested than one who isn’t.

    Reply
  3. Elizabeth Spann

    We’re all rooting for you, Brooke! I can’t imagine that any of it is easy, and I’m sure you’re learning new tricks and lessons every day. You’re doing an awesome job, and I’m so proud.

    PS, I talked to the peeps at my work, and she said she talked to you (yay!). She seemed really interested and just wanted to talk to the owner… so that could be good! 😉 I told her to let me know what I can do to help it along… recommendation, etc. 😉

    Reply
  4. Nicole Walberg

    Motherhood is not easy, especially the first few months. It’s a HUGE change, no matter how much you try to prepare yourself before the baby arrives. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard for me to remember what those first 3 months were like with Abbey.

    I am always here if you need company or to get out of the house. Trust me, it does get easier.

    Reply
  5. MomTFH

    Sorry it’s been rough. The sleep deprivation can be really hard.

    Is it possible she is in a growth spurt? The increased demand may go away soon if so.

    Reply
  6. citysteader Post author

    Thanks for the kind words, y’all. It means a lot.

    I’m not sure if it’s a growth spurt or not. I feel like we’ve been doing the every-2-hours thing for a while now, but we definitely used to go about 3. I don’t know…maybe it just FEELS like all the time since it’s sometimes stressful.

    I just wonder, what’s all that talk about the relaxing hormones that are released during breastfeeding? And why do I seem to be missing out on that?

    We have had a STRESSFUL day today, and I’m just hoping, now that she’s had a longer nap (still going!) finally, and I’ve been able to get a little bit done that I needed to do (like selecting and purchasing cloth swim diapers!), we’ll have a good late afternoon at the park.

    Reply

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