On my mind.

One year ago today, my labor with Sadie began. At about this point (6:30ish), my midwife had just arrived at our house. My contractions were very manageable. I was on the couch, snoozing between them.

You may have noticed that I’ve finally gotten around to putting up (some of) my links. In so doing, though, I’ve come across a couple of readings that sort of have my mind churning (this is The Week of Overthinking, I believe).

The first is Spinning Babies. I actually came across this site while I was pregnant. I’d been paranoid that Baby Edwards was trying to turn herself into a breech position, and I just sort of added this site to my list of places I could go if I needed to turn her. Looking back through it, though, I sure do wish I had given it more attention before going into labor. I’m not saying that if I had, I would have had a different birth experience. But I think I might have. If I had really understood baby positioning to begin with, maybe I would have been a little more clued-in to what was going wrong. Learning more about babies who are occiput posterior (OP) and the anatomy behind everything has definitely given me some new perspective. I don’t assign blame for how things happened, but I will admit that I was kind of annoyed (or something, I’m not really sure what the word is) with my midwives for not noticing that Sadie was OP. I realize now, though, that there are a number of factors that make it quite difficult to be certain of a baby’s position.

Okay, so now I don’t remember exactly where I was going with this. I guess this is something I can revisit if Trevor and I decide to get pregnant again. I have a feeling I would be SUPER paranoid about Baby Edward II’s position.

From spinningbabies.com

Based on the damage done to Sadie's head from hitting my pubic bone, I believe her position looked something like this one on the right. (From spinningbabies.com)

The other thing is this post on The Unnecesarean, VBAC Doesn’t Make it All Better. This is a post I might have written myself, if I could have just wrapped my head around it. From the post:

Erasing the grief

A woman who has had a traumatic birth, c/section or no, is in grief. The more she tried for a good birth, the more she cared, the more she believes in healthy empowered birth, the more she is going to grieve. The more she feels her rights were not honored, the more she feels she was assaulted, the more she feels she was treated as less than a full person, the more she will grieve.

And she needs to grieve.  And she needs her grief to be honored. Birth is a transformative event to many women, and the Story of How You Were Born is something mothers are supposed to be able to give their children.

But if that story is full of pain and trauma, she will not be able to tell all of it to her child. There is a lot she will have to leave out, to keep in silence, at least until the child is grown enough not to be traumatized by it; most women won’t tell even then.

All of that is a loss, and that loss cannot be erased by anything, because there is nothing that will make it Not Have Happened. It happened. It exists in her history, it is part of her memories, and most painfully, it is tied up in otherwise wonderful memories that she treasures of her child’s arrival.  Unless she wants to forget the first few days of her child’s life, she does not have the luxury of forgetting her trauma either.

I think, on some level, I’ve been believing that succeeding at VBAC would be the best way to get over what happened. But that’s faulty thinking on my part. My deep fear of having a second C-section may mean that I never get pregnant again. And maybe that’s alright. Maybe I can still fully heal from my experience without having another baby. I hope so.

I promise I’m trying not to dwell. I’m just not doing a great job at it.

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